I took a BuzzFeed quiz the other day. Something like "pick your favorite Cheetos flavor and we'll tell you a trait about yourself." I'm hoping that at one point in my life I'll totally NOT be intrigued by those dumb quizzes but that day hasn't come yet. I'm a child of the chain email quiz generation so I imagine that BuzzFeed quizzes are just a glorified version of those....but with less annoying fonts.
Anyway, so besides determining the fact that my favorite Cheetos flavor is indeed the original, BuzzFeed also determined that my defining trait is Bravery.
Which I thought was pretty funny. Because, how could classic Cheetos ever equal bravery? But the more I thought about, the more I realized that BuzzFeed was actually right.
And boy let me tell you, I had major Cheeto cravings after that.
A year ago, I broke up with my boyfriend because...I had too. I also can't go into detail because no one cares but me and my dog and also, I can hardly type a sentence properly let a lone a six month relationship saga. But moral of the story, it wasn't even something I wanted to do and it certainly wasn't the easy choice. I'll go even as far to say that breaking up with someone you really like, really care about and really don't want to hurt has to be one of the hardest things in (our easy 21st century first problems world) life.
We talked and even hung out a couple times after. Every other area of my life was falling apart and I just needed a friend, I couldn't handle the emotional responsibility of having a boyfriend. I told him that, he said he understood, that he didn't care. That he'd still be there for me.
Classic.
One week we're sitting on the pier at midnight talking about life and faith and jesus and grace and the next he's blocked me and unfollowed me and eradicated any memory that I had ever existed.
Fun!
That was the very same day my dad left for a two week business trip to Japan.
The problem is, he never came back.
I've seen him a couple times since, but it's never been the same. My dad who made eggs and toast every Saturday morning since I can remember, the dad who helped me plant my garden each year and the one who I rode bikes around the island with, that dad never came back.
Then after a terrible misrepresentation that involved a poetry book and unaccepted apology, my best friend at the time texted me, "We've been best friends for years, but our friendship can not be restored."
She never spoke to me again.
And so for the third time that month, I had to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life.
I think it's almost worse to lose someone and, at the same time, know they're still out there. They're still going to the same coffee shop. They still watch the same T.V shows. Their life is still exactly the same except for the fact that, they've decided, you can't be apart of it anymore.
That stings.
I've refrained from writing publicly about any of this for the past year and a half. I didn't want to name names, to blame anyone or sound like an emotional teenage girl who just vents all her feelings to the Internet (because there's enough of those already.) I wanted to wait till I could see God's purpose for the pain and how He would heal this heartache.
It's taken a lot of grace to get me to this place.
If there's one thing I've learned (beyond from the fact that I'm FAR from perfect) it's that the Lord has taught me to be brave. I know that had I gone through this on my own, I can guarantee you I would not have made it. There were so many days that I cried on the way to class, cried looking at happy families, cried when I was cleaning my mom's bathroom and found my parents wedding rings. So many moments when I screamed at Jesus, "I can't do this!"
And He was like, "LOL I KNOW. BUT YOU'RE DOING IT ANYWAY."
And through His love and grace, I did. I worked nine hour shifts with said ex-friend. I had a two hour conversation with my dad, the most I'd spoken to him in over a year. I was able to repair a friendship that had been broken through said ended-relationship. I learned that just when I was sure I was at the end of things, God was going to push me even further.
So Buzzfeed was right about two things: I love Cheeto's and I am brave. And while I'm fully responsible for the cheeto obsession, Jesus is 100% responsible for the bravery. He's the only reason I can face the pain over and over again. He is the one who picks me up and puts me back on the path, no matter how hard I try to get off of it.
I've often wondered what the purpose of this pain will be. Will I write a bestselling Christian advice book and be an inspiration to millions? Probably not. Will I find a group of Jesus seeking girls that are so great I forget about all the other broken friendships? Maybe not. Will I marry the christian football player I've been stalking on instagram, somehow, as a result of all this? Highly unlikely.
I've come to accept the fact that maybe the purpose of this pain is more simple than I ever imagined: to be brave.
To be brave enough to trust Him fully with every aspect of my life, every friendship and relationship.
To be brave enough to admit that I can't do it....BUT HE CAN.
So, in short, go ahead and take that BuzzFeed quiz. You never know what unique characteristic you will uncover. And then you can buy yourself a pack of cheetos and think of me!
(Actually, just share them with me, that's a way better idea.)
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