turning the page to twenty

Twenty. Such a small word but yet it has such a powerful impact on my feelings of youth and childhood and bliss. Twenty seems like the age in life where you find out how cruel and ruthless the real world is. It's like finding out Santa doesn't exist. The magic of adulthood you thought was just around the corner turns out to be nothing more than a figment of your idyllic imagination.

And on that note, I turn twenty tomorrow.

Twenty seems neat and tidy on paper. Ducks all in a row, resume polished and your wardrobe suddenly becomes peppered with blazers and poplin shirts. Except in reality? I still can't decide what to order at Chick-Fil-A and my favorite jacket this season is a furry coat...from the kids section. 

It gives me the chills to think about everything that could happen in the next 10 years. A college degree? A husband? Children? A stable job? The ability to answer the phone without anxiety? Who knows what lies ahead in this next decade. I wonder how many times my heart will be broken, how many friendships I'll have to mend, and how much money I'll spend on coffee in the next ten years. Probably a lot more than that hypothetical stable job can afford.

I am thankful I won't be alone. Christ is guiding this expedition. He's teaching me that it takes bravery to take steps, but also an equal amount of fortitude to stay fixed in a solid foundation. It takes guts to grow, and guts to stay. In my head the 20's are about reaping the harvest but in reality, I've only begun to sow. My life, which has the potential to grow into a beautiful, willowy flower, is a mere seed  at this stage. Wherever He plants me, I can trust that it is the soil He made me for. 

Here's to a blooming in a garden of Christ's incandescent happiness. And here's to growing through a lot of dirt first. 

20 things I've learned.

1.) my mother is the wisest woman i know.

2.) acrylic nails are always worth the investment.

3.) find joy in simple things because sometimes that is all you have

4.) breathe

5.) great expectations lead to great devastations

6.) eggnog enjoyment is hereditary.

7.) 20 minutes in the sun is basically free therapy

8.) make your plans in pencil, let god rewrite in ink

9.) engage engage engage

10.) rising before 6 is best

11.) and doing bible study before 6:30 is even better

12.) each friendship teaches different lessons. learn and take note.

13.) people think you're brave if you wear red lipstick

14.)  memories sometimes feel like murder

15.) and on that note, scary movies are utterly stupid!

16.)  crying is cathartic, but shouldn't be continuous.

17.) There are books, then good books and then there is the Great Gatsby

18.) equality for pink, every shade is perfect.

19.) sunsets are a glimpse of heaven.

20.) ignorance is anything but bliss.

H-O-M-E

One week till warm weather!

One week until iced coffee instead of hot.

One week until palm trees instead of falling leaves.

one week till home!

 I've been thinking a lot about what home means. I'm pretty sure everyone has this same introspective struggle at some point. The first day that my phone routed me "home", and by home I mean back to campus, I cried a little inside. Where is home? Florida? My dorm room? (TBH I actually live in the library now so that's it.) 

Coming to Texas, I definitely had expectations that this state would feel instantly like home. And when it didn't, I was confused. If Florida doesn't seem like home and Texas doesn't really either....where is it? Did I pick the wrong state- what am I missing?

At the beginning of the semester I spent a lot of time praying about feeling settled here in Texas And while God has done an amazing work in that area, He's also said a flat out NO. Because think about it, we weren't destined or destined to live in this sin-filled world. This wasn't His intent for us. No matter whee we are on earth, getting settled to some degree always requires with settling in with the sin that permeates our world.

Maybe the reason we've can't figure out where Home is or what it feels like is because we've actually never been. We've spent our entire lives trying to build up a framework of what we think it should be like, but we are yet to experience being at home with Him.

I'm excited to go home - to Florida and my mom and the 80 degree weather! I'm also excited because it's encouraging to know that wherever I end up on earth, I always have a home waiting for me.

(let's just hope it's 80 degrees in Heaven too!)

ME MINUS EVERYTHING EQUALS ??

I'm Karissa. I live by the beach. I'm tan. I'm a photographer. I go to Moes and Chickfila at least 5 times a week. I go to three different churches and I watch the sunset at my spot on the river every night.

Except now, the only thing that hasn't changed on that list is my name.

It took leaving home and moving to Texas to realize that WHERE I am actually has very little to do with who I am. It was unsettling at first. What am I without a house by the beach and a job that I love? Who am I when I'm not in my normal setting of church and friends and school? What am I like-really?

Though unknowingly, I came to college with the expectation that my well established life and routines would be exactly the same. I thought it would be easy to slip back into my old life, yet in a new place. Surely it wouldn't be too hard! I mean, they have Chick-Fil-A on campus and the sun sets every day no matter what so there's that.

Well the Chick-Fil-A closes at 7pm. And doesn't serve salads. And I miss most of the sunsets because I'm in lab or the library.

So what am I, without that? Who am I, when I'm stripped of all the external things that made me, me?

I'm Karissa. I live in Abilene Texas. I don't live by the beach, and my parents won't for much longer either. I study biology. I eat at least 4 apples every day. I'm obviously not tan at ALL. I see the sunsets as I'm walking home from the library.

Every physical marker that I associated with my identity has changed. From my possessions (new car!) to profession (no job!) to passions (passing classes) to popularity (ha, that's laughable) has all changed. I don't wear dresses very often, I hardly do a full face of makeup. I can't get up at 6:30 because my roommate would murder me, and rightfully so.

It was suffocating at first. I can't be me! The one thing I'm sure of in life is who I am. 

The thing is, you can't force an old life into a new location. You can't move to a totally new place, leave everything you know behind...yet expect it to be the same? Because that would be weird and also, completely physically impossible. But I tried anyway, because that was my life! It was what I knew.

The only thing beyond my name that hasn't changed, is Jesus. 

In a day my identity went from established to very confused, but He was the same. When I was worried about who to be, He never changed. His love for me and grace in my life didn't stop when I moved 3,000 miles from home. If anything, the less I have of me in the way, the more room in my life I have for The Lord.

It's painful. It's hard to let go of things you thought were a part of your identity. But really on this earth?. And beaches and tans are nice and all, but really the only thing I've got for sure and forever is my name and my savior.

(But if Jesus doesn't mind, I'd love to get the tan back!)